How my trip to Bali changed my view of who I would become
You’ve followed enough influencers to believe it’s possible: doing what you love while making great money, living in luxury with endless views and an effortless lifestyle. But as you keep watching, you start to see the cracks. Is any of it real?
Nine years ago, I went to Bali and discovered the truth.
The coworking spaces were packed with influencers snapping photos and videos, then arguing with their partners the moment the camera turned off. But our retreat leader was different. She didn’t tell us who she really was through words. She showed us through her calm nervous system, her genuine wisdom, and the ease with which she moved through each moment. She loved being with us and with everyone who helped create our experience.
When she said nothing was required, she meant it. She wanted us to choose for ourselves, and then she gently pushed our boundaries.
Because of her, I got my habits under control. I got in the best shape of my life. I learned to fully feel the energy of the world around me. I was so grateful for the magic she revealed through the immersive experience of living fully.
By the end of that retreat, I went home and closed my branding agency. I met my future husband. I moved to Colorado to begin an epic journey toward the life I truly desired.
But it would still take years before I could articulate what that life actually was.
I spent those years on stages, traveling to inspire others and tell them how to live their lives while struggling to take my own medicine. It took even longer to figure out who I really was and what wasn’t authentically me. I pushed against every wall I’d built to protect myself, challenging my own ways of thinking.
It wasn’t until a mirror was divinely placed in front of my face that I finally saw the truth of who I was.
Fast forward a few years later. The pandemic swept the world, and everything I thought I knew disappeared. I finally saw the reality I’d created: a giant box of my own making, filled with righteousness and nightmares I couldn’t escape. My nervous system was a mess. My inflammation was at an all-time high.
Then I was invited to a retreat in a mansion overlooking the San Francisco Bay. Panoramic views. A private chef. A harpist. An indoor pool and a vineyard on sloping hills. It was like something out of a movie.
What an honor to be there, right?
But I couldn’t let it sink in. Because who was I, really? A girl trying to be herself while contorting to fit in and be liked. I didn’t feel at home with my self, my mentor, or with the other retreat attendees. I wanted to be myself, but I wasn’t fully integrating what I’d learned. I saw myself as separate and different.
All I wanted was to belong.
Over the next few years, I kept trying to be part of groups where I never quite fit. My fear of abandonment ran high, and I embraced their rejection as truth. Until I finally realized something crucial: I was making myself small just to be liked. I was hiding who I really was to make other people comfortable, and it was destroying me.
Everything changed when I learned to radically trust myself and be honest with myself and others. When I found home was inside me.
That’s when I finally started living the life I’d always desired: the one I saw years earlier in that retreat host. The life I craved: healthy, unconventional, clean, honest, and real.
I pulled out all the scattered pieces of myself and put them back together.
My inflammation disappeared. My heart opened. I started attracting the kind of work I truly wanted. I stopped worrying about how it would all happen and began supporting people in massive ways because I knew each moment was blessed and a greater force was in control.
Of course, there were challenges. Plenty of crazy experiences and what felt like storm after storm. But by the time I started hosting my own retreats in my home, my routine was solid and my life was aligned. Clients and friends who came tried to replicate what I’d created back at their own home.
Here’s what I realized: that retreat host had showed me what was truly possible. Every experience after that built upon her foundation.
It’s not about living a luxurious life or having total freedom if you’re feeling stuck inside.
And it’s definitely not about pretending everything is perfect while hiding the truth behind a carefully curated feed.
People often tell me I’m one of the most vulnerable people they know. But honestly, all of us can be that vulnerable if we’re honest with ourselves.
So I’ll ask you today: Are you actually honest about who you really are with every person in your life?
If I came into your home and saw how you lived, how you treated your people and animals, what would I discover about who you really are?
What if I could hear all the things you say to yourself in your head? Would you really want me there?
And what do you need to do to change that?
It’s not about changing everything at once. As you can see, this integration took me years, and I’m still continuing the work.
So how can you think about new possibilities when you’re feeling stuck?
The best way is to find one thing you can do that will change the way you think. It doesn’t have to be drastic, but it can be immeasurable.
What will YOU decide to shift?