When "if only" because our mantra instead of saying what we mean
The holidays are often a time of deep reflection.
Looking back on the year to see what shifted, what worked or didn't work, what could have been better. Looking ahead to the new year with hope that things will be better. Looking at the lessons we learned. At who we have become in the face of all the challenges and delights.
This deep reflection often has a sheen of "well, if that person hadn't done that…" or "if only I had known that…" or "if I had more access to resources…" It can become a blame game for how others have affected our journey instead of how we can take ownership of how we showed up.
I started this holiday season doing the same thing.
If only he hadn't… If only I had… If only there was… If only I knew…
The problem with "if only" is that it causes us to live in the past believing that there was another way. Believing that we could change the course of life somehow. Not believing that everything is working out perfectly, as it's meant to be.
As I finished out 2025, I was pondering my year of Tender Surrender. It often felt like a rollercoaster ride with my hands in the air, yet softened by the sweetness of the Soul Family I built for myself along the way.
I learned how to surrender to the moment, to what was meant for me, and to stepping fully into my feminine this past year. It was powerful, painful, and felt like one test after another. And by the end of the year, I saw how much more tender and patient I was when I used to be defensive or angry in the same situations.
As I walked into 2026, I began feeling into my new year of Delightfully Calm. The whole universe began testing me even before the end of the year to see if I could stay calm in the face of whatever it could throw my way. [To give a preview, let's just say that a little dog ate human food during our New Year's celebrations and projectile shit on my pillow at 2am new year's day. I calmly folded up my blankets, put them in the washer, and slept in the living room. Passed that test!]
We're only on day 4 and I'm already deep in my delightful calm. I've been saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and staying so calm even in the face of others disrespecting me, noticing a lack of gratitude, and hearing more excuses than apologies. Yet instead of causing me to do my previous spiraling and anger, I'm taking it for what it is, confronting it and not allowing it to go unsaid.
But how often do we NOT say what we need to, let it get the better of us, and ruin important relationships––especially with ourselves? All because we are taught to stay quiet and not ruffle feathers. Or if we do, we're met with a bigger, angrier, or disrespectful response and that shuts us down further. Or worse, they blame us for being "too much."
As we head into the new year, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions as you look back at the holiday season––being honest with yourself:
How many times did you silence yourself instead of speaking up when you knew you needed to?
How often did you feel disrespected, yet stayed silent?
When did you burst into anger or frustration and yell at someone who maybe didn't deserve it? (Or did?)
How often did you clench your teeth or fists not to blow your lid?
How many times did you interrupt someone because you knew the answer?
When did you revert back to your teenage ways, thoughts, and words because you were around people who knew you as a teen (or still treat you that way)?
If you were to look at each of these moments as if they happened to a best friend or lover instead of yourself, how would you respond? Would you be proud of them or would you side-eye them and ask some deeper questions as to why they reacted the way they did?
Sometimes stepping outside of ourselves to see our excuses from an outside perspective can show us that they're often reasons not to grow. And this noticing can often show us where we can start speaking up, stop reacting, and allow ourselves to step more deeply into ourselves.
So, I ask you what I asked in the title: Why don't you just say it?
What's "it"? Whatever the thing is that's eating you alive, causing you to wonder what's really happening, or spiraling about.
What if you did one of the following instead?
Say you're sorry and mean it.
Stop the excuses and tell the truth.
Be honest with yourself and say the hard thing.
Be willing to hear someone else's perspective, even if you don't agree.
Stop walking away and face the person who wronged you.
Be willing to be "too much" because they can go find less.
—
That being said, I am about to start speaking up in a way I have never done before. Delightfully Calm and being awholehelluvalotness so you can step fully into your own version of it.
After 25 years of being an entrepreneur and helping thousands of people step more fully into themselves & their work through branding, speaking, and healing, I've finally created something that will help you find your voice and use it to build the life you deserve.
It's called Unmuted.
And it launches Tuesday (Jan 6, 2026).
Stay close.