As you’re falling asleep, your brilliant and knowledgable brain can recall an event that happened many years ago with painstaking accuracy only to keep you from falling asleep as you spiral about all the things you could have done differently.

You can smell crayons and be transported back to kindergarten, seeing your teacher move about the room while also being reminded of the blanket you used at nap-time.

You can hear a person’s name and be reminded of their face, how their hair moved, and how they made you feel when they were near.

Your brain is a powerful tool that can recall information and support you through anything you ask it. It runs all of your body’s systems and can keep you out of danger while also remembering when you memorized that thing in Science class in 7th grade. (ahem… Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species)

Your mind, on the other hand, can stop you in your tracks with one little memory or propel you forward with one tiny thought.

We teach what we need to learn the most.

Just four years ago, I would have told you that I was in full control of mind. It wasn’t until I finally got control of it that I realized just how I had never really been in control of it in the first place. My environment, my relationships, my memories, and my anxiety could take me sideways any moment of any day. One little memory and I was down for the count. My mind was in control of me.

It would take a pandemic, a highly-skilled and deeply patient mentor, and looking myself square in the mirror to see the truth of where I was and who I wasn’t. I unraveled threads I had no idea existed, cleared trauma I had stuffed down, and even rid myself of massive anxiety attacks that I somehow thought were normal.

With an incredible amount of diligent work, my mind stopped spiraling, I stopped sabotaging my life, and I was able to get a handle on what was going on in my life. I tapped into my body for the first time (ever), began to make incredible choices for my life and my marriage, and felt as if I was on the other side of my terrifyingly anxious mind. That was, until a few months ago.

Somewhere along the way, I had installed an EJECT button. I could give you a thousand reasons for its installation, yet I had seeminly forgotten about it and its location. I must have thought I had uninstalled during my healing process, yet I found it one day next to my little self. She was hiding in a corner shaking in the recesses of mind. Her playful and imaginative self had dissolved into the nothingness. She was feeling rejected, resented, and unwelcomed by humans who said they loved her and began to act out from a place of pain and uncertainty.

As she did, my “healed” adult self I did what many humans do when they can’t take it anymore, and I self-soothed with alcohol to make it go away. By the end of a few days of this internal torture, my adult mind stepped back into massive anxiety along with a deep knowing there was unsaid resentment. My little self stood up from the corner with tears streaming down her face and jumped unsteadily with both feet on the eject button and ejected herself from the entire situation.

All of the hurt, anger, and feelings of being disrespected poured out of me without thought or control. I wasn’t in control, this button was. I had finally uncovered the one place I still had BIG feelings that hadn’t been talked about, listened to, or dealt with. They had been swept under the rug. And nothing was going to stop me from finally lifting up the rug and blowing all of it out from underneath.

We teach what we need to learn the most.

We can be healed, yet still on our journey of healing. We can be enlightened, yet stuck. We can be asking for help, yet still have no idea what to ask for when the wave of familiarity comes rushing in and old buttons get pushed.

It’s still profoundly absurd to me that this ever happened. That my grown-ass self didn’t just say “Hey, I’m done being treated this way.” Yet those old smells, those old memories, and those old buttons find their way to the surface in ways we can’t begin to understand.

Months later, I still have a wave of pain hit me at a random moment. I still walk through the park next to my house with my heart soaring after watching one of my Rebels heal their own deep pain only to remember how deeply misunderstood I have been by similar people.

We teach what we need to learn the most.

I support people in really tough places. I help them out of deep holes in their minds. I help them heal trauma they’ve tried to heal for years without any success. I help people find access to themselves so they can uninstall the buttons that were required for them to stay safe.

I have had to learn some deep truths about who I am, how I was raised, choices I’ve made, and the life I’ve led in order to become the person I am today. I am a woman who is still growing, still healing, still being misunderstood, still finding her voice, and still wanting to cry her eyes out while also knowing that everything is working out in perfect order. That no amount of guilt, anger, hurt, shame, or pain will get in the way of the truth of who I am.

I can be all that while also deciding that I will no longer stand in rooms where I have to be anyone other than myself. I will no longer self-soothe with anything that does not support my growth and evolution. I will stand in my truth and know who I am in every situation I find myself. And I will continue to learn what I need to learn so that I can continue to have first-hand knowledge of what I teach.

How profoundly absurd is it that we teach what we need to learn the most. And that we will keep learning about ourselves until our last breath. I’m here for it. All of it.

What are YOU teaching that you’ve had to learn so deeply?

Hop in ​The OM Network​ & answer alongside others like you.

Walking alongside you. Always and in all ways.
Your Fairy Guidemother
Melanie Spring