by Nicole

No, you're not crazy. This is my second (and final) post on body image issues appearing on this blog. I feel as though I didn't get out everything I had to say the first time around; I'm sure that's a sentiment many of the contributors would say. Toward the end of my last post, I wrote:

I never would've thought that having life-long scars would make me feel better about myself, but it has.

I've spent a long time thinking about that, and what it means in my every-day life, ever since. What does it mean that I feel better after being physically altered and having my body changed permanently? Is there something wrong with me? Do I have emotional issues?

Then, I got to thinking about how I hate when women get stereotyped or branded as "emotional". To me, emotions are a beautiful, necessary thing in life. So, I'm going to come right out and say it: I'm an emotional woman.

I struggled for a long time with that statement because, outwardly, I'm fairly stoic. I only have two faces - "smiling and happy" and "I'm bored, get me out of here." I can't change this. I've tried. When I think I'm feigning a smile, people think I hate them.

Although I'm not great at expressing my emotions through my facial expressions, I've discovered a pattern over the past few years - I express my emotions through altering my physical state. It started in college when I became an emotional haircutter. Whenever I had a failed crush on a boy, did bad on a test, or was happy with everything going on in my life, I got a haircut. Emotional haircuts turned into emotional hair dying, then emotional piercings (several in my ear, one in my lip), and then into emotional tattoos.

To most, my tattoos would seem like a random smattering of ink on skin. Instead, they each have very specific meanings to me that express both emotions and my personal self-esteem and body image issues. Few people ever rarely ask what my tattoos mean, mostly because I don't flaunt them often.

Beginning with my first tattoo, three pink and black nautical stars on my lower back, I've subconsciously expressed my emotions and attachments to physical locations through tattoos. My fourth tattoo, an apple with a bite taken out of it on my hip, represents my time spent in New York as an intern. It was a marker of the things I accomplished, and a reminder to never give up on my dream of living in New York City (a dream I realized in the summer of 2008).

Over the past 9 months, I've gotten two tattoos of lyrics of my favorite songs - Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" and the Foo Fighters' "Everlong". Both are very emotional songs and are about love, hope, and recognizing the beauty in things. Sometimes people are taken aback by their emotional language, other times people are intrigued. I like them because they represent this moment in my life where I'm confident and figuring out how to be a whole, complete person.

My favorite tattoos, however, are the ones that are the most representative of my self-confidence and the issues I've had for a long time. On the outside, they look like they have no meaning, but, to me, they represent significant stages in the development of my self worth.

If you read my previous blog post, you know I've had a lot of issues feeling beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. When I was 19, that all changed. For the first time in my life, I felt truly beautiful. I celebrated this newfound realization with my second tattoo - a flower on my inner wrist. It's the only tattoo I have that is visible 99% of the time and I like it that way. It's a daily reminder that, even if I'm having a bad hair day, or the D.C. swamp weather is making me more sweaty than is ever sexy on a woman, that I should always remember I'm beautiful.

My 20th birthday was marked with even more confidence. I felt as though I'd come into my own as a smart, powerful young woman who had things figured out (I didn't, but at least I thought I did). I used to be scared to show it, but the compliments I've received on it have been incredible. When I tell people the story (those few that have asked), I explain it to them: I went through a lot in my first twenty years of life. Starting with the smallest star (on my lower right hip) and spanning across my back to my upper left shoulder.

All these tattoos are the physical embodiment of my emotions and will serve as markers over the course of my life. Some people collect stamps and post cards and quarters, I collect tattoos. As I get older, I don't regret a single tattoo. Some I got on a whim, others I spent years planning. Each is a testament to who I am: a strong, emotional woman with a lot left to learn about myself, my body, and my self-esteem. This doesn't mean I have emotional issues, but I am an emotional being and that's not a bad thing.